Episode 18: Nurturing the Self Within the Motherhood Identity

Have you ever felt like motherhood demands your entire being, leaving little room for the woman you were before? It's time we redefine what it means to be a mother without losing ourselves in the process. On today's episode of All Our Little Messes, I peel back the layers of parental expectation and share why carving out space for self-care is not just a luxury, but a necessity. We'll journey together through the complexities of finding purpose, even in the minutiae of everyday parenting challenges.

Motherhood is a mosaic of individuality, and each piece reflects a unique style and approach that has no standard template. This episode celebrates the diverse expressions of motherhood, exploring how personal fulfillment and maintaining one's sense of self are not only possible but also essential for a thriving family life. I open up about the controversial subject of working mothers, offering insights into how we can support each other's choices and foster an environment where judgment gives way to encouragement.

Balancing a career and family life is akin to conducting an orchestra of competing demands, each vying for your attention and energy. Through personal anecdotes and heartfelt reflections, I share the strategies that have helped me manage the struggles of being a working mom. We'll talk about realistic expectations, time management, and the importance of personal achievements that fuel our sense of accomplishment. Join me as we affirm the power of purpose in motherhood and the unshakable strength that comes from nurturing not only our families but ourselves as well.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

Hello and welcome to All Our Little Messes, a podcast focused on healing through intentional conversations about parenting, relationships, religion and more. I am your host, veronica Winrod, and I'm so happy to have you here listening in on my thoughts today. I hope you enjoy this episode.

Speaker 2: 0:31

Hello and welcome back to All Our Little Messes. Today I wanted to talk to you guys a little bit about finding our purpose in motherhood, which is something that I know I have struggled with a lot as I've had my children and as parenting has changed my life and my marriage. I've struggled with it a lot and I know a lot of women around me have as well, because it's parenting and motherhood. It changes our lives and going through such a drastic change so quickly Sometimes we're talking like in a matter of an hour a woman can go from being married to and being pregnant to having a child that she has to care for and she has to basically just be turned on. Her on switch has to be on for 24-7 for this little being and you lose yourself in that. A lot of women can't find themselves after that. They can't find their purpose in life after that.

Speaker 2: 1:44

I wanted to talk about that today because the last couple weeks especially, I've started to think about that and that's become very important to me because I've definitely found myself becoming lost in it all and having to stop and take a step back and try to identify my goals again and identify the direction I'm wanting our family life, to go and talk to my husband and reiterate our plans for the next five years, because I find myself getting lost in the day-to-day struggles of my five-year-old won't eat his dinner and I have to chase my three-year-old down because he found something, or my two-year-old down sorry, because he found something. And now that I have a newborn or actually, goodness, she's almost two months old now, but now that I have a new baby it all compounds into this everyday struggle that just repeats in the same way every single day and you drown in that and you can't find yourself anymore. It's very important that we stop often and think about our life and our goals and our children's goals and where we want our lives to go. And I know that doesn't always fulfill societal expectations of what a mother should be, because there's definitely this image that a mother should be.

Speaker 2: 3:36

You know this all-sacrificing person who gives up everything, and you know even down to who she is and her goals in life and things like that. She gives up everything for her children and for her husband and for her family, and that is I mean don't get me wrong that is a very admirable thing to do and there are, you know, millions of women throughout history who have done that exact thing. They have, you know, abandoned themselves in service to their families, and well, in a sense, that is the very essence of motherhood. At the same time, you know, it's difficult to give of yourself to other people if you lose all sense of who you are. So I'm trying to think of another way to put this that would make more sense. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Speaker 2: 4:39

Essentially, we have to be fulfilled and we have to be rested and we have to not necessarily be happy, but we have to be content and have a stillness and spirit in order to properly sacrificially serve our families. And so it's important that you know, as mothers, we don't fall into the trap of continuously just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving without any breaks, without any stops and without a care for ourselves, because inevitably that will backfire and it will harm our families. Like we have to stop, we have to take a break, we have to, you know, take time for ourselves, and the thing they call it these days is, you know, self-care, take time for self-care. And you know a lot of people laugh at that online. I've seen, you know, the Gen Xers and boomers, you know, talking about how, back in my day, you know, mothers didn't, didn't need to do self-care because they gladly served their families. And there's there's actually one Twitter account in particular I'm thinking of right now she, she made a post like that the other day and I was just blown away because for one, for you to say that. You know, back in my day, women just sacrificially served their families without any thought.

Speaker 2: 6:12

It's so For one, it's so degrading to those women that you're speaking of, because, you know, mothers in this day and age are in the trenches. Okay, we're actively raising the next generation, so we know how hard it is. So for you know, women to tell us, older women to tell us that, oh, you know, it's not that hard, stop being a baby, stop whining. It's Gaslighting is honestly what it is, because this is very difficult. It's very difficult and we do get lost, and so it's. It's just Degrading to those women that have already gone through it to tell them that you know, it wasn't that hard Basically. And then, secondly, it's it's again like I said, it's, you know, gaslighting the current generation who is going through it right now. We do know how hard it is. So Don't you know, don't sit there and try to downplay. You know the very difficult journey we're going through in raising you know your grandkids and your great-grandkids like it's Not an easy job.

Speaker 2: 7:25

So, no, we, we definitely do need to take time for you know, self-care and finding finding ourselves In the middle of all this, because otherwise, you know it, it does, it affects, affects our family, because if we're pouring from an empty cup, if we're always in, you know, flat, or flight fight, or flight mode, crisis mode, and we're are. You know, our Stress hormones are up, it's inevitably going to cause a breakdown, like we are going to snap, and Because we're mothers, we spend most of our time around our children, and the victims of that breakdown or you know the effects of us snapping are going to be, you know, our children and our, you know, our husband or our spouse, and that's not fair to them either. So if we're going to be, you know, actual sacrificial, like self-sacrificing mothers, then we have to take time for ourselves to find our purpose, to find our direction in life so that we can actually be Good mothers. We can't, there's no other way to do it. And so I know a lot of women who have found their purpose and, honestly, like I look at them and I'm just like, oh my goodness, your super mom, because these women are, they truly are super moms. They have, you know, full-time. I'll be there. They are staying at home while they do this, but it is still a full-time job. They're carrying out full-time jobs from home while raising four or five children, making, you know, going to the gym for an hour every single morning, drinking a gallon of water, breastfeeding their youngest baby, and One woman in particular I'm thinking of, still has time to make sourdough. Now, anybody that does sourdough knows how time-consuming that can be.

Speaker 2: 9:19

Like I tried to do sourdough. It didn't work out for me because I I have so much going on at home and Every single night I would go to bed and I'd be laying there and be like, oh my goodness, I am forgetting something. What did I forget to do today? What did I forget to do? And every single night I would almost be asleep and I'd be like, oh shoot, I forgot to feed the sourdough. So it'd be at 10, 11 o'clock at night. I would be getting up to go pull out my jug of my you know big old bucket jug of flour and Go feed the sourdough. And my husband be like you are crazy. Like just let it go. So yeah, I, the sourdough didn't work out for me, it died. I I had a starter that I put in the fridge because everybody told me you know, just put your sourdough in the fridge and it'll be fine, and you can leave it in there for months even. And I left it in there for six months and I was, I Didn't even want to try to revive it. I was just like you know, I think I'm done with the sourdough, because again, it's one of those time-consuming things that when you're in the trenches of motherhood you just don't have the time for. But anyways, no, there's.

Speaker 2: 10:31

These women are just so, you know, powerful with you, know their direction in life, like they have. They have found that purpose and that is just so admirable to me. And I mean they really are the definition and I've talked, talked about this before but they really are the definition of the super mom and I, you know, I've talked about the dangers of Trying to be a super mom and that's definitely not what I'm advocating for here. Like, don't try to do it all, but what I'm am saying is To find your purpose in life, find something that drives you Outside of your family. I mean, our family is our ultimate sacrifice, it is our ultimate goal to serve them. But To my mind, in order to serve them correctly, we have to find something that is personal to us. That is this that will give us a sense of achievement outside of. You know the everyday struggles of Getting the five-year-old to eat his food and chasing the two-year-old down. Think that's something that is outside of that. And for me, I'm actually taking a couple of business courses right now and that gives me a sense of achievement and purpose outside of my family and it helps center me so much. And I think that is very important.

Speaker 2: 11:58

For for mothers today to do is Find something that that calms their mind at night, something that Focuses them, something that gives them a sense of achievement outside of their families and, like I find that when I I do that, I I'm calmer, I feel less overwhelmed. I have, you know, a better, clear revision of the future. I can. I can make plans with an easier, clearer mind. I Don't snap at my children as much because my mind is it's Difficult to explain, but it's clearer in a sense, like I can focus better because I have this, this drive in sense of achievement going, and maybe it's just, you know, the, the, what is it called? Dopamine? Yeah, the dopamine hit that I'm talking about here, that I'm feeling, but when I focus on a project and I try to find something outside of the family that is Mine, essentially it is, it's very helpful and and centering me and helping me to be a better, better mom.

Speaker 2: 13:09

Something else that really Helped me a lot was basically embracing the chaos that is the reality of being a mom, and but what I mean by that is you mean you look at all of these tick tock and Instagram accounts, you know YouTube channels and stuff and their houses are perfect, right, everything is white, everything is beige. There are no stains. You know there's. There's no food in the carpet. You know the toddler didn't peel an orange on the white couch or whatever they did that day. Nobody dropped a strawberry on the cream beige rug. So that, in my mind, is not reality. That is not reality and we need to get rid of that image in our minds because that is not something we should be trying to achieve, because it's not realistic. It's okay if you know your house is not cream and beige and white, you know, and not perfectly clean.

Speaker 2: 14:13

And the sooner I accepted that, like I, I just accept it that my house wasn't always going to be clean. I accepted that there were gonna be toys on my floor, that I was gonna have to sweep the floor, you know, a hundred times a day that I was going to be constantly doing dishes and washing bottles. I was gonna have to vacuum the floor more often than I did before I had kids, like there was no way for me to keep the house to the same standards of care that it was before I had kids, when it was just me and my husband, and so the sooner I accepted that, the sooner I felt like this sense of peace when it came to just. You know the normal everyday upkeep around the house and you know balancing that with making like a daily not even a daily, more like a weekly schedule of self-care to do Even something as simple as taking a weekly bubble bath on the same day, at the same time, every single week. It was when I did it.

Speaker 2: 15:23

I haven't done it in a while, but when I did it it was absolutely amazing because it gave me something to look forward to. So like I would look forward to this bath every single week, because I would do it the same day, same time, I used epsom salts and like a bubble bath and like I would bring a book in there and like a glass of wine, and it was like this whole ritual that I did and it was absolutely amazing and I really should start doing it again. Now that I'm thinking about this sounds so amazing. Why did I stop? But you know balancing, you know the responsibilities, you have an off-setting, you know all of that chaos and the realities of motherhood with you know self-care is also huge when it comes to calming yourself and finding you. Know, centering yourself and finding that sense of purpose in your life to know that that will carry you through these times when we're, you know, down deep in the trenches taking care of the toddlers.

Speaker 2: 16:22

Another thing that was helpful was basically saying no, was just saying no, and learning to say no to, for one, societal pressures of you. Know how your kids should behave, how your kids should look, how you should look, how you should behave, what your family should be like, your family dynamics, what your marriage should look like, how you should be raising your kids. Like everybody has Opinions, everybody has judgments. Everybody's going to pressure you to do things the way they think you should do them and the sooner you Decide not to do that, the sooner you will start to feel like this sense of peace, like within your family, because you know those Outside opinions and judgments are honestly just noise like we don't need to listen to that. We don't need that in our life and it's only going to bring us down and weigh us down and let we need to trust in ourselves and in our newfound purpose of, you know, being a great mother and and being the greatest version of yourself. We need to trust in that To lead our families and not in outside pressures and opinions and judgments like this. It's, honestly, just noise. Just turn it, turn it off, turn it out. You don't need to hear that because, like I said, everybody has has opinions and most of the time they're wrong because they're crazy people. So that helps me a lot.

Speaker 2: 18:01

When I just stopped Caring about you know the, the visions of perfect motherhood on social media and the opinions of everyone around me on how I should raise my kids, and you know the rights and wrongs of my marriage and you know how my Childhood was acting this particular day. Whatever I Started when I started ignoring that, I just felt I felt so much peace because in the end, you don't have to answer to those people for any mistakes that you made in parenting. You have to answer to God and you have to answer to yourself and you have to answer to your children. You're not gonna be answering to Josh mode on the street who, you know, thinks you should, you know, cut out meals for your kid when he disobeys or whatever Crazy ideas people have these days sometimes. So, yeah, just, you don't have to answer to them, so why do their opinions matter?

Speaker 2: 18:55

Another thing that Really helps and it's helped me is I would call it like a form of meditation. Honestly, it was just. I honestly would just like sit and reflect and think on my personal values and like my priorities in life and I think about. You know things that interested me, and you know different passions I'd have and different things I was. You know I would be researching at the time, because Anybody that knows me knows that I I jumped from I'm Passion to the hobby. It's just, I'm all over the place. You know something that'll interest me, will interest me for a month, two months, and then I'll lose interest in it and Jump out of the next thing, but while I'm interested in that topic and in that hobby, I'm like all in, I learned everything I can about it and I basically become a master at it. It's very weird, but here we are, so like I.

Speaker 2: 20:03

It is interesting, though, because a lot of these things that I jump into often help me in my role as a mother, like in time management, and you know budgeting and things like that for a while, and I actually did carry this one, three of her while I was interested in like accounting and so I took a whole course on it and like I finished the course, got all the certifications and everything.

Speaker 2: 20:33

So now I'm like fully certified to be an accountant, like a bookkeeper, and that actually I was able to like completely redo our budgets and like our books and everything and that, so that like that kind of thing completely helped In my role as a wife and a mother and like helping my husband with his businesses and stuff. So you know, identifying your, your strengths and your passions is huge and like A journey of self discovery, I guess he would say, like learning about yourself and learning about your, your passions and your, your focus in life and your purpose, finding your true purpose, and like redirecting everything and channeling it where it should go. And it also like learning all of these, like exploring my hobbies and like finding out what my passions, my interest in my, my talents where it also helped Like explore opportunities and find opportunities for like personal and like future growth.

Speaker 2: 21:39

Like because I did all these things and I got good at doing some things I was able, like opportunities open for me that I never would have Even thought of doing before. Like I'm, like the business courses I'm taking right now, I'm going to be able to apply and actually put into a hopefully, fingers crossed, that's looking like a fairly viable business. And so Identifying, you know, your passions and your interest and finding out what you're good at, can really help, like define your purpose and open opportunities for you know, personal growth within your family. That can actually, you know, help drive your family to know, to greater success. And that's I mean, that's what being a mother is all about is, you know, driving your family towards success and towards Christ. And so you know, basically, anything you can do to make you a better version of yourself is going to help your family do that. And so you know, always, always, always, try to be learning about yourself, learning about your weaknesses and your strengths and what makes you better at certain jobs. You know, do you, do you have a sense, a good sense, of time management? Do you not have a good sense of time management? Are you a good organizer? Can, are you? You know, good at math and you know doing books and you know, just like try to find your, the things you're good at, your strengths, and then, while you're at it, you know, find out what your weaknesses are. You know are. Are you bad at time management? Are you, you know, always late for things? I know I am. You know, having three kids does not make for good time management, you know. So things like that, like, just find out what your weaknesses are and really try to overcome those so that you can become the greater version of yourself, which, in turn, is going to, you know, strengthen your sense of purpose to make you a better mother, and you know, finding that that creativity as well.

Speaker 2: 23:47

Like, being a mom isn't a one size fits all kind of thing. There is no one size fits all playbook for being a mom. So one of the best things we can do is find out the way we can be a mom, because everybody, like I mentioned earlier, everybody has an opinion and a judgment, and one of the opinions and judgments that people like to have is they have the perfect recipe for being the world's greatest mom, and that is simply not true. Like I have mentioned this in earlier podcast episodes, our job is to become the greatest mother we can for our children, because our children were given to us for a reason Because we were going to become the best mom for them, and so we don't need to be anybody else's version of the best mom. We just need to be our own version of the best mom. So find out what makes you the best mom. Are you creative? Are you organized? Are you you know? Do you lay down the law? Are you firm? That kind of thing Like I really want to encourage, like self-expression here when it comes to how your parents and how you find your purpose and motherhood, because that's what makes us great is being ourselves Right and being creative when it comes to you know how we discipline our kids and you know how we encourage them. And another thing that can really make us great is now, I might get black for this one, but you don't necessarily have to stay home to be a great mom. Sometimes there is a need for us, for women, to work, and I just want to point out that those of us moms who find ourselves in the position where we have to work, or we, even those of us who find ourselves in the position of wanting to work, are still good moms.

Speaker 2: 25:55

Like, coming where I come from, working moms were looked down on because they weren't fulfilling their jobs. Basically, they weren't doing their jobs because they weren't staying home with their kids, and I find that incredibly damaging because we don't know the circumstances in that family. We have no idea what they're going through. It is not our place to judge. You know what that mom is doing and I myself have worked and like knowing the struggles I know now that a working mom has to go through, knowing what I know.

Speaker 2: 26:29

Now, like I am ashamed to say that, you know, I used to have those opinions about working moms. I used to think that they weren't doing their jobs because they were going off to work and their kids were suffering because they had to be washed by a babysitter or they had to go to the public schools or whatever. Whatever the things I said, I'm ashamed to say that I said those things because going to work and leaving my son at home was one of the hardest things I had to do, every single day. I hated it, I hated leaving and I was always so excited to come home, and so it's definitely not something that we should pass judgment on.

Speaker 2: 27:06

Let's just say I wouldn't say something to be considered because, obviously, like, the ultimate goal of a mother is to stay home with her children and raise them and be with them, and I mean that's kind of the defining role of being a mom. But for those of us that don't have that option, there's nothing wrong with that and that's the road we have been set on in life. And because we've been set on that road, it would be our responsibility and our job to walk that road the best way we can, to the best of our ability. So I would really just, yeah, I would just say, just don't pass judgment on working moms, because it's not an easy road and those of us moms who walk that gracefully are so impressive to me because, again, I know the struggle. So kudos to you guys, but anyways, yeah, so you know, and another thing I wanted to point out so, like things that are difficult and I mentioned this as a struggle of mine, you know is when it comes to balancing, you know, motherhood and like personal goals, so like time management and and like setting realistic expectations for myself and things like that.

Speaker 2: 28:22

I, I, I really struggled with time management. I really really do. And so it's difficult for me to balance motherhood and personal goals I have for myself, because in my life, you know, motherhood takes first priority. Obviously I mean my kids, my kids need me and so, and if I'm not there to provide for them, to help them, they suffer for it because you know they're they're tiny little children, they're helpful little children, so they, they need me. So, obviously, like, motherhood takes first priority in my life and oftentimes that means that personal goals I've set myself they take the back burner and I sometimes don't get to them for, you know, weeks on end I just it's just not something I focus on because, again, the kids need me.

Speaker 2: 29:10

So one thing that I've really struggled with is, you know one, setting, you know, boundaries for myself and you know learning, time management and setting realistic expectations for myself. And especially with the last one, setting realistic expectations, like I really come down hard on myself because you know I'll set, I'll set a goal of you know wanting to work on a project for, you know, two to four hours this day, and then you know, comes down to the end of the day and I haven't worked even five minutes on that goal, and like I really come down hard on myself because you know I didn't fulfill my goal for the day I'm basically I'm like I'm feeling I'm behind, I'm failing at my job, I'm feeling at my project and that is such an unrealistic expectation to set for myself because I'm forgetting that my first goal is to be the best mom I can. And so you know if, if my personal goals have to take a backseat to that temporarily, that's fine. I just need to learn better time management strategies so that that doesn't always happen, because, again, you have to have that sense of purpose outside of you know, that sense of achievement and that sense of purpose outside of being a mom, so that you can be, you know, a calm, centered, stable mother. So learning time management and setting realistic expectations really go, really go hand in hand, because when you're a mom and you have, you know, personal goals outside of being a mom, like you have to have both. You have to have time management, you have to have, you need to know time management and you need to have realistic expectations, because your personal goals may or may not happen that day. You may have to put them in the back burner for the next day, and that's totally okay, and the next day you can try to figure out how to manage your time better or work things around a little bit more so that you can get in some time for yourself.

Speaker 2: 31:21

And you know, sometimes that means telling your partner when he comes home that hey, you know what I am clocking out as a parent for the day. I need to go work on some stuff or I need to take an hour break, and you know I do that sometimes. You know my husband will come home, I will hand in the baby. Oh, you know, there's pumped milk in the fridge. And one thing I have found that is incredibly calming is actually grab my Bible and I go find like a park or somewhere that's like quiet and I just sit in my car and I read the Bible for like an hour and it completely empties my mind and it's the most amazing thing. I did it last week. I was having a really hard day, so I went to the grocery store, did my grocery shopping, I went and picked up some Panda Express, that really junkie Chinese food that I would never recommend anybody eat.

Speaker 2: 32:16

But I went and got some junk food and then I sat in a parking lot with my Bible and I just ate junk food and read the Bible and it was the best hour of my life. I'm not even joking, you guys. It was so calming, so refreshing and so nice and I honestly can't wait to do it again. I would highly recommend anybody sit in an empty parking lot with a Bible. It is so good.

Speaker 2: 32:39

But, yes, take the time you know. Set realistic expectations for yourself. Don't go overboard. Don't expect too much of yourself. Don't come down hard on yourself. Learn better time management when you don't, you know, meet those you know realistic expectations. Be like okay, what can I do the next day to meet those realistic expectations? What can I do to find my purpose? You know, a little bit better the next day. And if it's still not working, you may need to take a step back, take a break, go, find an empty parking lot with your Bible, empty your mind, just calm down and then come back and revisit the next day Like we're not going to achieve anything. We're not going to find our purpose in life if we're always in fight or flight, if we're always in crisis mode. So we need to just calm down and really work on on centering ourselves and finding that purpose in our lives. Otherwise again, we're going to be pouring from an empty cup and our kids are not going to get the best version of ourselves.

Speaker 2: 33:48

Thank you very much, you guys, for listening to this episode of All Our Little Messes. Something I wanted to run by you guys is I've been thinking about hosting a Q&A with all our listeners to submit questions and bring up, you know, maybe maybe submit ideas for future podcast episodes. If there's something you guys want to like, hear me talk about. So yeah, and also I thought about bringing on a couple of, you know, fellow mothers to bring on to the kind of like a panel discussion, to to a Q&A with. But yeah, I wanted to run that by you guys and see what you would think about me doing something like that. I was thinking probably YouTube or something like that. So shoot me an email or a message on Facebook or on Instagram if you think this is a good idea or if you have any questions about that kind of panel discussion. But otherwise, thank you guys very much for listening in this week and I will see you next Thursday.

Speaker 1: 35:02

Thank you for tuning in to this episode of All Our Little Messes. Please let us know how much you enjoyed it below and add any questions you have about this episode. Also, don't forget to follow us on Patreon for amazing exclusive perks, including early access to podcast episodes and bonus episodes every month. We've also recently added a support group for all of our paid patrons. You can check us out on Facebook and Instagram for daily updates and insights that mirror podcast topics. Thank you for listening and we'll see you next week.